Saturday, August 18, 2007

Dear Diary

I am melodramatic. After writing one journal entry today and comparing it with a 1988 entry, I want you all to know that I am a melodramatic person with no sense of humor (at least in my diary entries). And just so y'all know, I'm an adult, I write in journals now. There is a big difference. I just don't know what that is just now.

August 18, 2007

I’m scared. Another kidnapping in Kabul of a German lady. I can’t rationalize that this won’t happen to me now. I don’t have security.

I’m afraid of getting sick again. I’m afraid of being anxious. And most of all, I’m afraid of bolting up in the morning, clutching my bed cover and waiting silently, scream caught in my throat, at the sound of another low-flying plane.

That is, after if I can manage to navigate my way out of the Kabul airport. I’m trying to think positive but oh, how I hate the Kabul airport. Hate.

Oh well, nothing to do but to deal with it. I should go back and listen to those Pema Chodron audiobooks that I downloaded and then forgot about.

I’m reading Frida’s blog as I write this. It seems that a big part of her year has been about learning to let go. I don’t know what my year has taught me, other than to acknowledge that I can’t do as much as I would like.

I’m tired of writing.

(heart) HiK (yes, I do sign off with a heart and my name)

A page from 1988 (errors and melodrama included). The friend I am referring to was 3 years older and had decided that I was too young to be her friend:

April 9, 1988

Dear Diary

I just thought of something, here I am in America and I want to go back to my homeland and I don’t know how it looks like. I also want to tell you something else, I broke up with E- she is not my friend anymore. I tore up her picture and I threw it away, my friendship goes with it. I just can’t help feeling sad about our broken friendship, but still it can’t be, our worlds our different. I mean I’m so young and she’s so different from me.

You know tomorrow morning at school Shamocka and Quang are going to put a Maxi-pad in the boys bathroom & they are going to put ketchup on it. I am going to be the look out. I’m kind of worried, I mean we could get a check ore even suspended! Oh no! I’m not.

I got to go now, it’s time to go to sleep.

First Initial and last name.
For more Sunday Scribbles, click on the link.


Frida said...

I think our diaries, sorry, journals are the place to be melodramatic, no? I let it all rip there: I am afraid, I am angry, I am sad, I am in love, I am filled with joy and wonder. It's not the way I talk day to day but it really feels good to let it all out sometimes.

If you weren't having any fears about coming back to Kabul I would wonder whether you were either: a) in denial, selectively forgetting the worst of last winter; or b) a danger junkie - which I'm pretty sure you are not.

Kabul is a tough place, it is not safe, not comfortable and not easy. People get sick and they get hurt, although the latter nowhere near as often as the former. There are risks and you are coming this time with eyes very wide open. You know the challenges facing you and you've learned where your limits are. I am absolutely confident that you'll discover that you learned a lot about how to live well in Kabul.

Email me your arrival date - I think I'll get to see you either on my way out to leave or on my way back.


chaoyang said...

i don't see anything out of the normal here.

i did not click on sunday scribbles, but still, wow, you shared two diary entries with us.

i feel so privileged. even if it's a sunday scribbles creative writing diary entry... still... privileged to peak into your mind. more so than the normal peek you offer us. yah, i don't know why i think this is so much more private than all your other fairly expose writings.

gautami tripathy said...

With our diaries, why can't we be what we want? If we are melodramatic, so be it.

colleen said...

We don't change all that much over time. I think journals are the place to express all our emotions and fears.

omg said...

Very daring of you to post your journal entries. I mean, you post personal things all the time, but I think people's journals must be even more private than their blogs. I think the majority of people, even anonymous ones, must censor themselves on their blogs to some extent. (Well, maybe that's just me.)

I think you may be dramatic (or melodramatic, if you insist) because you're passionate about things.

Love the entry from '88, a little HiK's little plotting mind -- a lookout on quite a prank! Hee hee. Wonder how it turned out?

Thanks for sharing! I wasn't going to do an entry for this week's prompt, but you may have inspired me.

moonrat said...

it's absolutely true what frida said--diaries are FOR melodrama.

especially about broken friendships--there's no one you can talk to about that. everyone understands romantic breakups, but not female friendship breakups. i sympathize with your 1988 self.

Robin said...

Without knowing you at all, your diary sounds to me more honest than melodramatic. I got a very small glimpse into that fearful place during the first Gulf War and reading your entry made that sick feeling return to the pit of my stomach. I can't imagine living it on a daily basis. I think writing through it is probably one of the healthiest things you could do.

Fledgling Poet said...

If ever there was a place where it's OK to be melodramatic, or any thing you desire, it's a diary! Thank you for sharing these two posts that expressed so much emotion at two separate points in your life.

Anonymous said...

Yep--that's what my journal is for...a place to just BE, without pretense and without (too much) censorship.

Your fears entry made my throat catch a little bit--I could feel it weaved throughout your stark words.

And your 88 entry reminded me of so many of my own...why is it we don't talk more about the pain of ended friendships? I know that those former friendships caused me more angst (and diary writing) than even my romantic ones. Hmmm...

Thanks for the mind fodder. Good luck.

Alex aka Gypsy Girl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Alex aka Gypsy Girl said...

I think your journal is not melodramatic. It is perfectly honest and that is what a journal is for: Pour it all out! It's good to get it out...

Anonymous said...

I'm fine with being melodramatic. But I did hesitate about sharing the 1988 diary entry.

Thanks for the comments & support!